Why is self-care week even a thing?

This week has been self-care week, which depresses me somewhat.

The fact that we need an awareness week to encourage people to take good care of themselves, says something significant about the toxic narratives that we are surrounded by in the Western world (in my mind at least).

The stories of carrying on regardless, pushing through, staying strong in the face of adversity, and not allowing your productivity or efficacy in the world to diminish, despite what you may be experiencing, have long been held up as admirable traits in a person.  And then if you add into the mix that a caring attitude towards others, is one of the most highly prized character traits in a relationship, you have a heady cocktail of narratives. And these stories have had us driving ourselves into the ground, making ourselves sick, and burning out for about as long as they have been around.

But, the tide is turning, slowly.

“Self-care is not selfish!” is a mantra which is growing in popularity. The wider population are starting to recognise that in order to keep ourselves functioning effectively, self-care has to be a part of the picture.

It can be hard though, to go against the stories from history when they have been so engrained into your psyche over years and years.

On top of that, some new stories are emerging about what self-care looks like, which might actually also be pretty toxic. With so much conflicting narrative out there, how on earth do you tell the wood from the trees?

A bit of education, and sometimes a little support, can go a really long way to help you navigate this new space of giving a damn about yourself.

Let’s dig into this a little…

It’s not rocket science –

The basics of self-care are very simplistic. You need adequate rest (including sleep, but also other types of rest too), you need to stay hydrated, you need good nutrition to support healthy body function, you need daily exposure to natural light, you need adequate movement, and you need time to connect with friends and loved ones. If you are carving out time in your daily and weekly routines to make sure you are nourishing yourself in all of the above ways, you don’t necessarily need to do anything else at all (you might want to though, particularly if you find yourself feeling frazzled regardless).

However, most people I know, including myself from time to time, are not always doing these things well.  In order to carve out time for all of the above, you need to be able to hold healthy boundaries around safeguarding time to nourish yourself, and this can take quite a bit of practice before it starts to feel natural.

When working with clients to help them level up their self-care, I usually suggest taking a look at the following…

Self-compassion –

Developing a compassionate attitude towards yourself is absolutely essential if you are wanting to get better at looking after yourself well.

For starters, good luck trying to convince yourself that self-care is a good idea, if in actual fact you don’t really give that much of a sh*t about what happens to you. Making sure you meet your own needs and, in fact, some of the time prioiritising them over others, is made so much easier when you can take a compassionate view on things.

Self-compassion will also help you get back on track when you wobble off the rails from time to time. There are times when you are going to f*ck things up, moments when you will let your time get eaten up by other stuff, times when the world is going to throw you curve balls, and no amount of tough love directed at the self is going to help you be more disciplined (it’s actually likely to make you want to avoid it more). Self-compassion on the other hand lends itself well to forgiving yourself for a little slip, and moving back towards what you know will be good for you.

Creating a nourishing space in your home –

Making sure your home is a place that you want to spend time. This may mean engaging in activities such as cleaning, de-cluttering, fragrancing, accessorising (especially with things which will help you soothe your senses like warm lighting, candles, blankets etc), or removing stimuli that add to your overwhelm (think predominantly  sound, light and smells which you find make you feel tense). Each and every one of these activities supports your wellbeing and therefore can be viewed as an act of self-care.

Down-regulating your overstimulated brain and nervous system –

We are constantly being bombarded by stimulus in our modern world (don’t worry, I won’t go on too much of a rant about how smart phones are going to be the downfall of humanity, this time anyway).  Our minds and bodies are not adequately evolved to deal with this level of stimulation, so the vast majority of us are rattling around feeling time poor and frazzled the majority of the time.

In order to regain some balance, your system needs a break, and a little bit of soothing – Simple!

Start by taking a break from screens.  We all know that screen use in an evening doesn’t support good, restful sleep, so how about making the last two hours of your day a screen free time?

There are numerous ways that you can go about soothing your system, and there is an absolute minefield of information out there from people claiming that their way is the answer. When you delve into it however, the vast majority of down-regulating activities tend to fall under the categories of mindfulness, breathwork and somatic exercise / movement (e.g yoga / somatic experiencing).

My advice, for what it’s worth, is to explore all three and see what impact they have on you, over a period of regular practice. No one of these strategies will help you feel better long term, if you don’t keep doing them, although breathwork is the practice which you will most often see having an immediate (if short term) effect.

Why not hit YouTube and check out what a number of people have to offer, before deciding on your favourites? When I first started trying to establish my regular self-care practices, I made decisions based on whether or not what people were producing looked like something I could actually do, and whether or not I could stand their voice.  You will have your own elimination process.

I also suggest the clients try to chart a path which steers well clear of the following self-care stories which can actually make things much worse in the long run…

Only doing things that feel good or spark joy –

Life is a mixed bag, and whilst trying to prioritise space for things which make you feel joy is an admirable quest, I just don’t know that many people who find joy in cleaning the toilet (insert your own version of an activity you’d rather not have to do here). Only prioritising joy will rob you of the contrasting experiences, which actually make joy possible in the first place, so in my mind, it might be better to aim for a variety of feelings.

Confusing self-esteem for feeling like you need to defend your own self-image so highly that constructive criticism is deemed to be hateful –

You can sometimes learn a lot about yourself in relationship, if you are willing to listen and reflect on your own position. This can, over the long-term, serve you really well. The trick is not losing yourself in the face of what others have to say, but rather having the flexibility to allow yourself to be impacted, should that feel right for you in the moment.

Subscribing to a positive vibes only attitude –

A certain amount of re-evaluating your position, choosing to focus on the good as well as the bad, and challenging your own use of language can be really supportive in helping you create the life you want to live.  However, a good vibes only attitude will often lead to avoidance of anything which appears negative, including things like challenging conversations, which actually are an investment in a relationship as they can move you towards something which is more fulfilling.

Ultimately, it would seem we have been so heavily conditioned by our societal narratives, that the vast majority of us find self-care to be a challenging task, but with a bit of practice, it doesn’t have to be.

My advice is keep it simple, create boundaries and put things in place which make it easier for you to do, and if you struggle to do it for yourself, make sure you have someone who will support your efforts and hold you accountable if you don’t.

Talking about supporting your efforts, I have created a special, free self-care programme, to bring you a little support to look after yourself well over the festive period.

You can sign up for the free 12 Days of Christmas Wellbeing programme here