What You Need is a Bacon Sandwich!

I sat down one day with my friend at the kitchen table. It had been a long few days and I was tired, sad and fed-up. “You must be hungry,” she said “you haven’t eaten today. What you need right now is a bacon sandwich!” she declared.

I heard my friend’s words and could feel the care that she was trying to express to me but she had no idea how I was really feeling at that moment in time.

I was at once appreciative of her care, irritated by her assumption that she knew how I would be feeling and what I might need (I mean, what if I was vegan), and all at the same time feeling rude because I wanted to reject her kind offer and that may cause her to feel hurt

“Thanks,” I responded politely “but I’m actually not hungry.”

“I’m sure you’re not,” she said “but at times like these you can’t go around not eating, you have to keep your strength up!”

“I’m fine, really.” I protested.

“I won’t hear it!” she said “I’m going to make you a bacon sandwich right now. It’ll only take a few minutes to rustle up and it always does the trick in these situations.”

She busied herself at the stove and a few short moments later I found myself sitting looking at a hot bacon sandwich and my friend’s concerned face and weighing up whether or not I had the energy required in that moment to have the conversation about respecting my boundaries, not making assumptions about how I must feel and not making judgements about how I should act, whilst simultaneously deliberating whether or not I thought my friend would be able to hear all of that at this time.

Ok, so the story above is fictional but I have had many, many conversations that have followed the same pattern as this though.

Have you ever had one of these conversations? You know the kind I mean – well meaning person thinks about how they might feel and what they might need in your situation and decides that obviously you will have the same feelings and needs and that they can provide you with a solution to make all the discomfort go away.

In the society in which I grew up I saw little tolerance for or acceptance of other people’s feelings of discomfort. The behaviour I had modelled to me was that it is my job to imagine how that person may feel, decide that they mustn’t really want to feel that way and find a way to make things better for them.

I have been learning a different way though over the last fifteen years. I have learned to enquire into the other’s experience. I have learned to ask them if they have any needs that I may be able to help them with. I have learned that just to be with someone in times of difficulty, without doing or saying anything to make things better can be very powerful indeed.

I find it can be hugely challenging to sit with someone who is experiencing (emotional and/or physical) pain because that means I too have to feel my own discomfort. And, whilst my desire to make change for the other, to make it all go away so they can feel better may be hugely well-meaning, it denies them a really important part of their experience – the opportunity to sit with someone in their discomfort and to be witnessed and supported.

When I feel my discomfort and my desire to make things better when sitting with someone who is experiencing difficulty, I remind myself that I do not have to be the solution, and that my desire to alleviate my own discomfort should not be the deciding factor in how I choose to behave. This opens up space for me to sit with, to feel sadness, anger, despair, to cry, to laugh, to hold, and just to be together in the moment.

When we are struggling it is hugely important to have these spaces where we can just be, where we can turn up however we are and be accepted and loved just the same as when we are experiencing better times.

Do you have people who hold this space for you? Do you hold this space for others?

Get in contact if you’d like to have a chat about this.