It’s the most wonderless time of the year

Sing it with me now…

It’s the most wonderless time of the year!

Please tell me you sung that in your head to the tune of that really famous Christmas ditty?!?

Now, I know what you’re thinking – “Rachel, where is your festive spirit?”

I’m going to own it, I’m not a fan!

Christmas can actually be really stressful and, to be quite frank, a little bit sh*te for many different reasons. And I have found over the years that this is not often a popular point of view with the mass British public.

I want to share a little bit of my experience with you though, just in case you are one of the people who struggles with this particular festival for whatever reason. Because do you know what? – I think there needs to be space for people who have a difference in experience or a different opinion without them being labelled a scrooge and being shamed for not getting on board with the popular narrative.

So, if you’re someone who finds this time of year tough, read on…

For me, I grew up as many people do, being told and believing that Christmas is a time of year when families get together, share quality time and love and cherish each other.  I believed it should be magical!

The reality was though, for the above to happen in my birth family, it would have taken a minor miracle and not the immaculate conception kind. Most of my lot weren’t exactly the loving and cherishing types the rest of the 364 days of the year, so why would this one day be any different!

I always used to come out the other side of the festive break feeling like I had somehow managed to get it wrong, like it was me who had dodgy expectations, or didn’t quite know the rules of engagement that were required to get the fairytale festivities that society promised me were available to everyone.

Does this feel familiar to you too?

If so, I’m here to tell you, it wasn’t me that was the problem and it’s probably not you either.

The heart of the issue for me was believing in the dream that society was trying to sell me.

Sure, some people absolutely grow up in families that can provide this, or at least have gathered a tribe around them who can do that in their adult life, and that is so bloody awesome! I am genuinely happy for anyone who has this in their life and can celebrate in their joy with them, but that just simply wasn’t my experience of it.

Between the stories that society tell about this festival and a bunch of glitzy marketing campaigns, I had been brain washed into thinking that Christmas should be a one size fits all, universal, wonderful experience.  It is simply not true however that Christmas is somehow capable of casting a magic spell on people and transforming them into the kind of families you see on the adverts or in the movies.

It’s also not true that if you don’t have the ‘Disney’ Christmas experience, that there is something wrong with you – It’s not a dirty secret that you need to hide away from society lest you get banished. It’s okay to find it stressful, it’s okay to not be a fan, it’s okay to not want to spend it with your blood relatives, and it’s okay that your experience is not the same as Flo from the office!

When I finally had the wake-up call and realised that my people probably weren’t actually capable of creating the experience I wanted, I was gifted with a whole different set of choices I could make about if and how I wanted to engage with seeing my family at this time of year and about what I might want to create instead.

It was liberating and empowering in one respect, but in the same breath this dawning realisation and my desire to change my experience came with a whole heap of sadness and grief too. Because in order to make the change, I had to accept that I might never get what I wanted from the people who were ‘supposed’ to love me the most in the whole world, and for me that was really quite tough.

If you find yourself in this place this year, please know that you do not have to follow the same old narrative year in, year out, and keep hoping that something will change.  You can do things differently!

One of the questions I found helpful to ask myself was “How might I safeguard my mental and emotional wellbeing at this emotionally charged time of year?”

This question helped me to set healthy boundaries around who I did and didn’t see, where I saw people and how long I would see them for.  It also freed up space for me to decide how I would nurture myself before and after I had these meetings in order to ensure that I felt well resourced.

It empowered me to take charge of my experience and create some of what I wanted, rather than digging in and enduring whatever might come my way in the name of family and tradition.

If my story resonates with you, why not try out this question for yourself and see what difference it makes.

Now, you may have read this and be thinking, that is not my reason for not liking Christmas, where are the people like me?  Believe me, they are out there. Whatever your reason for not getting on board with the festive narrative, you are far from alone in feeling that way.

Please know that there are people out here that you can talk to about your experience and who can help you navigate it, you just need to reach out!